Lullaby
by Nicky Gabriel
Summary: The realization that there actually was something worse than the hell of withdrawal hit him worse than the crash after his escape. Post The Fix, gen.


Thank you tinx_r for your help.

**Lullaby**

**by Nicky Gabriel**

Hutch didn't think he had ever felt as empty as he'd been feeling for the last two weeks. The realization that there actually was something worse than the hell of withdrawal hit him worse than the crash after his escape from Forrest's prison. He hated the lack of control over his body. He hated how he couldn't control the mood swings, the shaking hands and the terrible cold inside.

Most likely he had just wrecked the most beautiful thing that had ever happened to him and there was no coming back this time. Even Starsky's patience had limits. Hutch hugged his knees to his chest and rested his head on crossed arms. If only he wasn't so tired.

"Hutch?"

_Starsky?_ What was he doing there? What _was_ he still doing there? He really still hadn't given up on Hutch? When Hutch almost did himself? Sometimes Hutch was sure that Starsky leaving him was an inevitable thing. But deep down inside he hoped it would never happen. No matter how much he deserved it, he hoped Starsky would stay.

But Hutch couldn't help but withdraw more and more every day. As if he was preparing for the inevitable. He looked up hesitantly – fully expecting to see furious irritation or at least disgust on his friend's face. Could he still call him that? No, he certainly couldn't. Shouldn't. And that hurt a lot more than the withdrawal. And he had thought there was nothing worse than that pain.

On the other hand, he should have expected it, right? He was worthless. He couldn't feel anything but this emptiness, coldness and self-loathing. He wasn't worth the chance Dobey granted him. He wasn't worth the effort Starsky put in to help him. He wasn't worth the badge he still was allowed to wear. But what was worse – Hutch wasn't only a junkie, he was a coward as well – Starsky still had marks all over his body to prove Hutch's weak will and his cowardice.

"Hutch, I've never been as scared in my entire life as I was when I found you in that alley," Starsky confessed in a low voice, leaning on the doorframe.

Hutch noticed that he was calm, composed and firm. "Really?" he looked at him hesitantly.

Starsky frowned, but confirmed, "Really. I was scared I was too late."

Hutch remained silent for a while. He heard Starsky coming closer.

"But you didn't expect to find something like that, right?" Hutch ventured. He had to ask, the uncertainty was killing him. He had to know. Maybe the earlier they finished it the better? There would be no agony of expectation at least.

What he didn't expect was that in a blink of an eye Starsky hit him and pinned him to the bed, holding firmly so he wouldn't be able to escape even if he tried. Hutch was so surprised he didn't even feel pain.

"Don't you ever dare speak like that about my partner!" Starsky hissed into his ear.

Hutch held a breath – during the unending forty eight hours at Huggy's Starsky never ever used a force against him. Hutch could insult him, threaten him, beg for a shot, even cry or whimper. And Starsky never relented, never gave up on him.

"Why?" Hutch laughed defiantly. "It's true. You know that. We both know that. I would have sold you as well as I'd sold Jeannie. I would sell my soul!"

"Shut up, Hutchinson and listen carefully. I will repeat it until you get it right! I don't care what you did when they were torturing you! I don't care what you told them or didn't tell. The only thing I care about 's that you're alive."

But Hutch was sick and tired of pretending. Of fighting. Of hoping?

"Don't tell me you still want me as partner," he groaned. "Not after what you saw. After what I did. How can you still trust me?"

"I trust you all the time," corrected Starsky. "Never stopped. Do you really think I'd be any different if it was me kidnapped? If they hurt me like they hurt you? You know what this shit does to your body chemistry. You've seen it hundreds of times yourself. But you made it through hell. This is what I care about," Starsky loosened his hold, but didn't let go.

"How can you be sure I won't do it again?" whispered Hutch. He was feeling even worse now. He really didn't deserve a friend like Starsky. Never.

"I can't," admitted Starsky. "But I won't leave you until I know you are safe."

_Safe._

Hutch gulped. Safe. Would he ever be safe again?

Starsky let go of his shirt and moved back, sitting next to him cross-legged.

"I won't make the same mistake again," he said, pain in his voice.

Hutch reached for his hand.

"It's not your fault," he said in a strained voice. "I could have told you where I was." They both knew the countless _'what ifs'_.

"You could've. But it's not your fault you didn't," Starsky touched his cheek lightly with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry."

"'S okay." Hutch just shook his head. "You sure you want to stay?" he asked instead. He knew Starsky would know what he was really asking.

Starsky smiled."You try to sleep. I'll be romancing your couch if you need me."

Hutch nodded and watched Starsky leaving his bedroom. He didn't realize his friend was so tired until he saw the rounded shoulders and unsure steps. Starsky really kept an eye on him all the time, never leaving his side. Hutch listened to the noises his partner made preparing the couch for the night, but somehow he wasn't feeling so alone and worthless anymore. And it wasn't cold, he wasn't even shivering. It was still hard to believe that a man like Starsky would waste his time for someone like Hutch. For who he'd become.

Hutch closed his eyes, though he knew it would be a miracle if he slept at all. Again.

After two hours he gave up and got up. Starsky was standing by the door leading toward the beach. Hutch watched him for a while in silence, though he knew Starsky noticed his presence.

Was he strong enough to give them another chance? Were they?

Hutch approached him and slipped his arms around Starsky's waist. Starsky didn't move, but leaned on him more comfortably.

Hutch sighed with relief.

_So you still trust me? So much? Why do you still trust me? You know I would betray you in a blink of an eye, you know that? Right? I know you know._

"Can't sleep?" Hutch whispered into Starsky's ear.

Starsky only shrugged. "Hutch, you really should try to rest," he murmured.

"Me?" Hutch laughed loudly. "If somebody is tired here, it's you."

"Don't worry about me now." Starsky dismissed the remark. "I'll sleep later."

Hutch just embraced him for a while, feeling how tired they both were.

"I think I know how to help us," he said finally with conviction, surprised he hadn't thought of it before.

"Oh, yeah?" Starsky looked at him, smiling.

"I heard you talking in your sleep."

Starsky sighed, but didn't deny it. They never lied to each other. And even if he wanted to start now, Hutch stood too close to hope for success.

"You found me. You made it in time," was all Hutch said.

"You made it in time," corrected Starsky.

"Not important. You waited at the end of the way. You've been through hell with me. And you still want to be here."

Starsky tensed. "Always will."

And Hutch finally believed. Because he wanted to. Because he needed to. Because it was the truth.

"I know," he whispered. "You can't even imagine how much it means."

Starsky stepped aside and looked at him solemnly.

"I was a little selfish. I didn't do it only for you."

Hutch smiled. "Will you let me do something for you now?" he asked gently.

"What?" Starsky looked intrigued.

"You won't sleep until you're sure I'm safe. And I won't rest until I know you sleep."

"Tough."

Hutch shrugged. "Maybe you could consider cheating on my couch with my bed?" he offered.

Starsky looked amused. "You want me choose between your couch and your bed?"

"Something like that," Hutch admitted.

"Hmm," Starsky crossed his arms. "Why should I cheat on your old, lumpy and torturous couch and choose your comfortable bed? Make it more interesting and I will think about it."

Hutch laughed, for the first time really feeling it deep down inside."I'll sing you a lullaby if you do."

"'K." Starsky went around him and headed to Hutch's bedroom.

Hutch looked after him for a moment contentedly, feeling familiar warmth near his heart. Yeah, maybe they would finally get some sleep.

**THE END**


End file.
